


Restless

by c00kie



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Divorce, F/M, First Loves, Romance, break ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 20:09:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4493028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c00kie/pseuds/c00kie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben has always been restless, unsure of what he wants in life. It takes getting divorced and going home to figure it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restless

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr! Yay for you for reading!

Ben’s trying to decide what kind of jelly to get when he hears her voice coming from the next aisle. He stills, his hand on the seedless raspberry jam, unable to move while he listens to her say something about she made a promise and she intends to keep it. He wonders what the promise was, just as a middle aged woman says, “Excuse me,” and grabs the grape jelly beside his hand. She gives him an odd look and walks away, leaving Ben wondering if he shouldn’t get the grape too.

No, raspberry is better. Julie hated raspberry. That’s enough reason to get it.

He throws the jar into his basket with the loaf of bread and the jar of crunchy peanut butter and goes to find the toilet paper.

His text alarm goes off. He has half a mind not to look at it, but curiosity gets the better of him.

“Do you think we made a mistake?”

Ben types in a quick, “No,” and turns his phone off. There will be a long string of texts from Julie for him to read it, but right now, he really just wants to get what he needs to so he can go home.

And if he can do that without running into Leslie Knope, the better.

-

“Say it!” He moves his fingers down to her hips, knowing that’s where Leslie’s the most ticklish.

“No,” she giggles, falling off the bed and landing with a hard thud.

“Oh shit,” he says, looking over at her. “Are you okay?”

She’s smiling, hair fanned out on the floor. “I’m great. Come here.”

Ben moves to lay beside her. He pulls her shirt up, fingernails scraping her skin just over her ribs. “Are you really sure?”

“I’m very sure,” she says, pushing him onto his back and straddling his lap. He opens his mouth to say something, but he forgets what or even how to speak as she pulls her shirt off.

-

“Will that be Debit or Credit?” The cashier, a bored girl with a purple streak in her hair asks.

“What did you say mom? Who’s moved back?” He hears Leslie say in the next line over. He stands straight, hoping she doesn’t see him. “Okay, I clearly misheard you, because it sounded like you said Ben Wyatt moved back and that’s impossible.”

“Sir?” 

“Oh, sorry,” Ben says, “Debit.”

“Enter your pin.” Ben does, watching Leslie pick out a candy bar through the reflection in the register’s mirror. He can tell, even from this angle, that the years have been very kind to her. She might actually be prettier than she was in high school, if that’s possible. He knew, moving back to Pawnee, that there was a risk of seeing her, but he didn’t expect it to be this soon. The ink isn’t even dry yet.

He also didn’t expect it to feel like this either.

Figuring though, it’s best to just get it over with, he turns around.

“Well, whatever,” Leslie says, “So what if he is back mom? Pawnee’s big enough that it probably won’t matter. It’s not like I’m going to run into him at the supermark-” she turns when he taps her shoulder.

“Hello, Leslie.”

“Mom, I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.” She hangs up and he feels like now understands what the guys at the O.K Corral felt like.

-

“You didn’t get into Indiana State?”

“I didn’t apply.”

“What? But we were going to go there together!”

“I know,” Ben says, looking down, “But Carleton-”

“Carleton?”

“I’m sorry. I just-”

“You just what?”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

He feels the heat of Leslie’s glare on his face, burning him from the inside out. He knows he deserves her wrath, but at the same time he feels so hollow that it’s hard to care. He wants to tell her that it’s not about her, not really, but it is about her. It’s completely about Leslie. Leslie and her plans for them, Leslie and her refusal to listen to what he wants. And that used to be okay, but now he knows what he wants, and it doesn’t include her.

“I gave up Amherst for you.”

-

Ben watches from the side as she pays and bags her own groceries. “Thanks Megan,” she tells her cashier, who says, “Night, Leslie,” back. She pushes her cart toward the doors and he follows, even though she hasn’t said a single word to him.

He should just go home, but it’s as if he’s being pulled along with her by an invisible rope.

“Leslie?”

She stops at the sign that says Fire Truck Lane Only and looks at him for a minute. “You need to shave.”

He runs his fingers through his beard. “I’m going through a divorce.”

“I don’t care.”

He nods, looks down at the crack on the ground. “Yeah.”

“Well,” she says after a minute. “Welcome back to Pawnee, Ben.”

-

“I’m Julie Lucas.”

“Oh, hi, Julie Lucas,” Ben says, leaning closer to her. “I’m Ben Wyatt.”

She blushes, pushes a red strand behind her freckled ear. “I don’t usually come to these things, but my best friend dragged me.”

“Me neither. But seeing at this is my house, I didn’t have much of a say.”

Julie laughs, and it’s sweet and melodic, nothing like Leslie’s cackle. “Roommates?”

“Who else?” Ben asks. “At least I hope so.”

-

When he gets home, he turns collapses on the futon he bought from Bed Bath and Beyond, dropping his grocery sack on the floor next to him. He looks forward at his living room, at the beige carpet and the plain white walls, the stack of boxes that read bedroom, kitchen and bathroom with black magic marker that’s not his handwriting.

It’s depressing as hell.

“Fuck,” he says, to nobody.

He turns his phone on, and sure enough, there are twenty texts from Julie. He doesn’t bother to read them though, just pushes the delete button and then calls her instead.

“Jules-”

“Do you love me, Ben?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why are we doing this?” He can see her, laying on her stomach on their old bed, her legs in the air, ankles crossed. He bets she’s wearing her little shorts, the ones that showed off her long legs.

“Because we’re not in love.”

He talks to her for another hour, only it’s not really talking. It’s just him listening to her. He should stop this, he knows he should, but talking to Julie is an addiction he can’t break himself from.

He quit smoking cigarettes. He should be able to quit his ex wife.

-

“I know it’s not much-”

“Oh, Ben, it’s beautiful.” Julie cups his chin her hand and kisses him. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he says. He doesn’t think about the last time he said I love you to someone and how much he meant it.

“This is the best birthday present anyone has ever gotten me,” she says, turning and lifting her hair so he can hook the clasp of her necklace. It’s nothing fancy, just a plain gold necklace with a letter J pendant.

He never tells her actually bought an L first.

-

He runs into her at JJ’s. She’s going out just as he’s coming in. “Sorry,” he says, moving out the way. Behind her are a tall guy and a pretty brunette, they’re holding hands.

“Me too,” she says. “Um, oh, right, this is Ann Perkins and Mark Brendanawicz. Ann, Mark, this is Ben Wyatt. He used to live here before he moved away to go to college and never returned until now.”

“Hi,” Ben says, shaking their hands. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Ben just got divorced.”

“I thought you didn’t care.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” she says, squaring her shoulders. “Ann, Mark, let’s go.”

“See you around,” Mark says. Ann doesn’t say anything, but her eyes dart from him to Leslie like she’s studying them.

Leslie starts to push the door open, but then she turns back. “Wait. Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Stay away from the Belgian Waffles.”

“Stick with the normal ones?”

“Yeah.” She smiles, just once at him, and then she’s gone.

He orders an egg white omelet and dry toast.

-

“I’m just saying, if you’re going to do the laundry, make sure to hang everything up immediately, otherwise it gets wrinkled!” He holds up one of his shirts for emphasis. “See?”

“Well if you don’t want your shirts to get wrinkled, then you hang them up!”

“I can’t, I’m working!”

“Oh,” Julie gathers her hair in her hand and ties it back, the way she does during an argument as if she can’t fight with her on her face. “I see what this is really about. You’re mad I don’t have a job!”

“Of course I’m mad about that! When’s the last time you looked for one?”

“It’s hard okay! No one wants to hire a poetry major!”

“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you got a useless major.”

“You said it was cute!”

“I said that so you’d let me fuck you!.”

He expects that to take the wind out of her sails, but all it does is make her eyes widen, which is the look she gets when she’s remembered something. “Speaking of sleeping with people, who the fuck is Leslie?”

Ben hasn’t thought or spoken about Leslie in years. He’s known a couple, but he doubts she’s talking about any of them. “What?”

“She called yesterday. Asked if you were here.”

“Did you take a message?”

“It’s on the pad.” 

He goes over to the message pad, and sure enough a phone number and Leslie’s name is written on it below a heart with two eyes and a smile, two stick legs and an arm holding a spear. He tears Leslie’s name and number off, leaving the heart warrior and stuffs it into his pocket.

He doesn’t call her, but he puts the number into his phone.

–

He’s eating pork fried rice out of the container and watching internet porn when his doorbell rings. He quickly switches over to his email tab and goes to answer the door. She’s there, holding a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

“Um, hi, Leslie.”

“I felt bad for before, so I made you these.”

He takes the plate. “Thanks. Uh, do you want to come in?”

“I can’t,” Leslie says, “I’m meeting my boyfriend for dinner. I just wanted to give you those and to say I’m sorry, for acting like a b word to you.”

“You weren’t. But thank you.”

She smiles at him and he watches her go back to her car. She has a boyfriend.

He has no one.

–

“So I was thinking we could go to my parent’s for Thanksgiving this year, and spend Christmas with yours, unless you’d rather have Christmas by ourselves?”

Ben sighs, putting down his newspaper. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“You want to have Thanksgiving with your family?”

Ben would rather eat nails than spend any time with his family. “No. I mean, here sit down.”

Julie raises her eyebrow but sits as he instructs. “Ben-”

“I want a divorce, Julie.”

“What?”

He winces at the way her voice cracks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

“How did you mean to say it?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just, you and I both know this hasn’t been a real marriage for a long time and I think it’s time we call it.”

“You think it’s time we call it.” It’s not a question, but a statement, said quietly to herself. “I…I thought you loved me.”

“I do.”

“Then?”

“We’re not in love, Julie.” To be honest, he doesn’t know if ever was. For the last twelve years Ben’s felt like he’s been wandering around this marriage, aimless and hoping that it’ll give him some sort of happiness or direction, but it hasn’t. He thinks of Leslie, who’s always known where she is and where she needs to be. He used to find it annoying, but now he’s just jealous.

She falls back on the couch. “Fuck.”

-

The commute to his new job is long, he’s not crazy about the carpeting and his boss is just a little too friendly. But it’s a good salary and he was given a pretty sweet windbreaker, so he can’t complain.

-

He’s walking through Ramsett Park when he sees Leslie watching an older, heavy set man reach for a bird feeder and trip. Next to her, a young Indian man wearing a nice suit cackles.

“Come on, Jerry,” Leslie sighs, “we don’t have all day.”

“Sorry,” Jerry says, standing to his feet.

Ben taps her shoulder. “Hi.”

“Oh hi!” she says, turning around and smiling.

“Hi, uh, what’s going on?”

“It’s a long story.” Leslie shoots Jerry a glare as he tries to get the bird feeder. “What brings you to Ramsett Park?”

“I was taking a walk.”

“Oh. Well, uh, this is Tom Haverford,” she says, gesturing at the man beside her who nods at him and then looks back at his phone, and that’s Jerry Gergich. We work for the Parks department.“

Ben smiles. He was wondering what she did for a living. “Oh, I thought you guys just liked stealing bird feeders.”

Leslie laughs, and it’s the same delightful cackle that sometimes haunts his dreams.

“Well, I better get out of your hair,” he says, wanting to stay and talk to her for hours. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye!”

-

“We should decide who gets what.”

“You can have the house-”

“Ben-”

“You can have the house,” he repeats. “I got a job out of town anyway.”

“Where?”

“Pawnee.”

Julie wipes away a tear. “You swore you would never go back there. I tried making you take me there a million times and you-”

“I know.”

She inhales then slowly releases her breath and laughs. “At least we don’t have any pets or kids, right?”

“Right,” he agrees. “I get the LPs.”

-

He goes to a parks and recreation public forum. Not because he’s interested in bike racks or benches or whatever it is they’re discussing, but because he’s got absolutely nothing better to do. And, he kind of wants to see how Leslie handles the crazy that is Pawnee.

She’s a fucking superhero. Every negative comment, every screaming diatribe, she just listens and smiles through it and then calmly and intelligently addresses their concerns.

It’s then that he realizes he has a crush on her. It’s not the crush itself that bothers him, because who wouldn’t have a crush on Leslie? She’s beautiful. It’s the timing. He can’t have a crush on someone so soon after getting divorced.

But after the forum she comes up to him. “You came.”

“Yeah, I uh, yeah. I did.” He sticks his hands in his pockets. “You were really great.”

She beams. “Thanks!”

“So uh…” He scrambles for something to say, only for the worst thing to pop out. “You called me.”

Her smile fades. “I called you?” She shakes her head. “That was three years ago. And you never called me back.”

“Why?”

“Why did I call you?” Ben nods. “Because I knew you were an accountant and I had a question about my taxes.”

“Oh. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back- it’s just-”

“I get it,” she says, “I should have told your wife, ex wife,” she corrects, “why I was calling. I just got nervous.”

Ben nods, he can understand why talking to Julie would intimidate her. His ex is one of the nicest, gentlest souls, almost annoyingly so, but she does have a jealous streak a mile wide when it came to other women. He wonders if it’s because she could tell he felt restless.

“Oh hey, so what are you doing for Valentine’s day?”

“Pretending it doesn’t exist.”

“Well, we’re throwing a dance for the seniors if you want to stop by.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Great.”

He doesn’t go.

-

A year goes by. He stops calling Julie back, she stops texting him. He makes friends, gets promoted, goes on a couple dates, manages to get closer to Leslie, who as far as he knows, isn’t dating anyone. He doesn’t make a move though, afraid it will ruin the tentative truce between them.

She’s the one who asks him to dinner.

“Just JJ’s,” she says, “nothing fancy.”

“JJ’s sounds great,” Ben says, tapping his pen on his desk. He hates this office. Actually he thinks he might just hate this job. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Is this an over the phone question or an over waffles one?”

“Waffles.”

“Then ask me tonight.”

“Before you ask me whatever it is you want to, I need to say something,” Leslie says that evening after their plates are delivered to them. “You broke my heart.”

“I know.”

“But I’m over you. I’ve been over you for eleven years.”

He frowns. “I’ve been gone for seventeen.”

“Yeah, well it took a while, okay?” She snaps. “But I did it,” she says, slightly calmer. “But then you came back and honestly I still don’t know how I feel about you, because I’m still unconvinced you’re actually going to stay, say nothing about how you’ve only been divorced for a year.”

She raises some good points, things Ben’s thought of a hundred billion times already. “Do you know why I came back?”

“Because the accounting firm offered you a job?”

“Because I applied for it. and I applied for it because I wanted to come back. Look, we had our share of problems back then, but I know the way I left, you don’t have to forgive me for that. And you don’t have to date me, even though I think you should because I’m crazy about you, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m done wandering.”

The corners of Leslie’s lips slowly curl upwards. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

She smiles brighter and reaches for his hand. “Yeah.”

He marries Leslie on a Sunday. This time, it lasts.


End file.
